terça-feira, 6 de outubro de 2015

The Invisible World of Women - Page 5

I tried to do everything the way he had asked me, I tried not to, I did, without taking a point, I remember that I was worried, not wanting to hurt the family, here I refer to his brothers who live in São Paulo. He was cremated and the ashes I took to be close to my father, another wish remarked to me when we went to the cemetery on Memorial Day in Feira de Santana, I want to be buried here, this is where I was happy, today I feel more Bahia to São Paulo.
It took me a while to make that decision, the white box was kept here with me for a long time, just like your toothbrush, your clothes, it gave me the false sense that he was still part of my life, just made a trip and I was waiting his return.
His sister got some more time with me, wanted to settle the things I could not do, nor will. Today I think I do not know what I'd do without her.
But everyone had to pick up their lives and found myself alone.
Actually, me and the boys, Frederico and Ben-hur. I wonder how much reluctant to the idea of ​​having both of them, I think today, how would be my life without them, do not know why we can not see how God is perfect, as He prepares everything.
When I lived in Feira de Santana, I had a Pinscher, her name was Hanna, very attached to me, and these my comings and goings, I was here in Salvador when my mother calls Edu, asking him to prepare me, and that one way to make me know that Hanna had died, I saw him in agony, full of fingers to talk to me and then I suspected, I cried a lot, and he also showed great sadness, crazy about animals. We lived in a flat and had purchased a hamster, Alfredo, today is the name of my car ... (laughs).
We rented an apartment in the same neighborhood, as it was a little bigger and Alfredo was no longer among us ( we did his burial solemnly) one day when he was to pick me up at the bus station, took me first to a place and wanted to make me a surprise introduced me to Frederico, Yorkshire with three months old, I did not agree, for I remembered Hanna and did not want to reason in life to make me sad, do not know what happened, but I could not come home without Frederico.
One day we took Frederico to shower, It was the creator who took care of him for us, in the middle of thirty dogs, Edu hit the eye in one and fell in love, but It was already sold, just waiting for the new owner to pick him. But Edu did not accept no for an answer. He called every day to see the Ben-hur, insisting purchase it, twenty days later, the creator found that the new home of our future child would be a farm, giving up the sale called us and gave ... he jumped of joy, I still reluctant, but he argued saying ... benhê, who has one has no ... after Ben-hur I were the one who told him, it is but you did not tell me who has two has ... thousand ... our youngest was not worth much weighed ...
And the Benh-hur who wiped and wipes my tears today. I try to hide, I lock myself in the room, put the pillow on my face and not so useless, he starts calling me from his room while I did not get caught in her lap to lick my face, I do not stop. A veterinarian this week told me that she was impressed with the connection that Ben-hur has with me, and all I feel he feels well and he is sicking ... I promised to myself to change.

The Invisible World of Women - Page 4

Increasing the pain, we ask to the doctor help, he needed to rest and I also. We went together to the hospital, the doctor wanted to see him, we talked, and explained what was going on and the doctor gave us a prescription for a sedative ... Crying told you it would not do, I already know the reactions will only leave him more agitated . He replied that he had surgery with the use of that drug. Without more like arguing, after all he was the doctor, we at the pharmacy, buy and went home. As always respecting the schedules waited for the right time to give it, as I predicted, it did not work, and to be honest worsened my situation as it really became more agitated.
I by now powerless, tonight hired someone to help me, because he feared faint, my exhausted body no longer take it anymore. And another night spent awake, I tried to hide, put a pillow under the table and lay down while the girl kept company and talked with him, he asked and called for me. I tearfully leaves which hid hugged him and said, I'm here. I see his eyes now shining when he saw me. The scene repeats itself in my memory.
The dawning day and the pain worse, on this day the pain was in his chest, exactly where was the chemotherapy unit. He screamed, I panicked unable to call the doctor, I ended up getting desperate and he told me to take him to the hospital immediately. I called a taxi, I did not run, he could no longer walk, aggressive, the drug effect, we enter the first aid and took him straight to the ICU, I waited sitting in the garden. Hours after a doctor left the room and told me: we did everything we could, now It in the hands of God . I remember I called my sister and the only thing I could say was, he's dying ...

Hours passed, He began to react, sometimes I got up and went to the door, with the entrances and exits of doctors, looked like a scene from a movie I saw when they tried to resuscitate him with shock.
Eternity knocked on my door at that moment, I did not know the real meaning of that word.
He reacted, but when they came up the machines accompanied him, he just changed his room. Admitted to the Cardiology ICU staying there twenty-something days, it was when his sister, brother in law and my sister came to stay with me.
I did not know what day it was the week, the month, even in a dream, I could throw my body.
The scheduling of the visits were monitored and I felt a great sadness to leave him, and at the same time relief because I no longer bear to our suffering ... Yes, do not doubt literally die together.
One day at the end of our visit, the chief medical officer on duty called me and said You would have to take a decision, would have to choose one of the two procedures, since it would leave no longer there. Tracheostomy or Intubation, the ground disappeared beneath my feet, did not know what to do, I called my sister and my sister in law and I went behind his doctor when I entered the room, he was already waiting for me and knew what was happening, asked us what we had solved ... I was changing, and his sister said, Rosinha who have to decide (that's what she calls me), she is his wife. We can not throw that weight on her back, the doctor said and continued, she did not have to decide anything, but as it is she who most know him here, she'll tell me what was his will. And the image came to me, when we were going to the office, he no longer spoke of being buried in the tomb of my family, with watery eyes, he said, do not let me depending on machines to live and finally, I'm afraid of being buried alive, benhê can I ask you one more thing? Must be expensive, but if I die, do You  crema me? I returned from my memories, and the decision was already made, silk it and wait for the moment in an act of desperation asked, Doctor but God can still make a miracle can not? He said, yes, we do nothing else we can do, but he can do anything.
24 September 2013, I no longer had the strength, stand no longer see it that way, even sedated talked to him, tears falling giving me sure he heard me while I was saying, benhê, our story is not over, and does not end here.
This day went down, took a coffee in the machine and sat on the floor in front of the ready hospital rescue, lit a cigarette and there began my conversation with God, which questioned his love, does he not see the suffering of this child that he loved so much? If saw and loved him for leaving it that way, it was because of me and because of my requests, I was giving up, loudly I said, enough, can lead ...
On the 25th we arrived earlier to visit but did not, already awaited me medical, psychologist, took me to a room and told me the time of death and how it happened. I did not hear a word, just remembered the day before the fact, of our conversation, yes, me and God, I thought, was a monologue, but He heard me ...

The Invisible World of Women - Page 3

In April of that year, we had just finished lunch together, as I said earlier, we do not apart for nothing, I went back to work, which by the way was a journey of almost 12 hours, stopping 15, 20 minutes to lunch, and he was in the playground talking and smoking, It was the relaxation moment.of him
Later, when he came back, needing help, it was this time he was feeling what I felt.
My heart sank something is wrong ... very wrong, I thought. I told him to consult the same doctor on duty who took care of me, at the Evangelical Hospital. And so He did, regular consultation, the same examinations, echocardiography, and all done in the hospital, but returned with the results, analyzing the blood, the doctor asked others, including an X-ray of the lung, something told me It was in a hurry I needed to run.
In the X-ray showed a spot on the lung on the right and sent us to look for a pulmonologist, and hell broke loose ... After CT scans and biopsies detected the cancer, but the cell presented was not one from lung cell, and where was this tumor? In the brain it had 18 metastasis and according to the oncologist, the spot shown in lung radiograph was also a metastasis.
It's so hard to talk about it ... I always have to stop ...
We spent a long time in hospital, metastases in the brain had already reached their movements and pressure thereof should be controlled with medication. Several tests were done, how far they had spread? During this period we had the company of family, of me, my sister, from him against his will his son, after some events understood why, but I will not and I will not even go into detail, for the love of a person who I would never hurt with my words or revelations.
We spent happy times in that room, oddly enough, we needed to keep our faith and our hope, smiling, that was the only way I found to keep these two burning flames. There we found Mr. Raimundo, soon made friends. Whenever I arrived had to give a kiss on his forehead, then I was going to kiss my life.
My sister and I, we both took care of them, they needed help to go to the bathroom, take the silverware packaging ... Our room was the most visited and often the nurses arrived at the door to tell us that we would be forced to ask us out, such hubbub ... (laughs).
He did not know everything that was going on inside him, I hid some information. Crazy to come home until the doctor gave high, Mr. Raimundo had left, a couple of days before.
I could not go seeking it, was in office, the matured and I needed to take care accounts of these details, my biggest concern was to pay the health plan, with him we were facing so many problems, imagine without it, and make the deposit in the account his ex-wife, he helped, from time to time arrived emails asking not to forget because the car payment was to win the separation it was complicated, litigious, arrived here in Salvador with thirty reais in the pocket, yet he never failed to help the family, but God put a wonderful person in his way, and I know that he loved her too much, we talk about it later.
Returning to the subject, when my sister called, asking me to go home, his son delivered to dad, the medical report in the hospital door, was on this day that he learned in fact what was happening, the whole truth, did not understand what happened, why such cruelty. I ran and grabbed a taxi, he was holding on the walls to lean on who opened the door for me, his eyes filled with tears, said to me, did you know? I hugged him and I said yes ... I knew, and once again another question, as you were putting up with all this? Looking into his eyes without seeing, I also cried, I said ... FAITH.
And speaking of faith remembered when he came out of the operating room on the day of biopsy, he told me very moved that he was the lap of Jesus stained, and that day 60 years of life he was doing, he had been the day happiest of his life, and that I do not understand however hard he tried to explain to me. This created a tremendous mess, I believed that he lived what he told me and the son said it was the influence of drugs taking me to question the doctor, I wanted answers, and confirm my certainty. He had not taken any drugs, anesthesia for the procedure was spot on, and the doctor also added that he could not speak for everyone, but he had no doubt that everything happened just as he had told me.
I did everything to convince him to treat in São Paulo, there could have more resources, who know a miracle ... but he was radical, he crying spoke ... No, please, do not let anyone take me away from you ... Without you I die.
Now we had only two of us, and we needed to start the treatment of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, radiotherapy did about three sections, waited for the health plan to release the drug of chemotherapy. Had already been made surgery to implant a catheter, a special tube that is inserted into a larger vein to facilitate chemotherapy, avoiding repeated punctures to get hit a vein. We made only one section.
At home, with rigid schedules for taking the drugs it was difficult, I had to continue the work in the office, the world has not stopped ... No? I thought it was, but did not stop. I woke up at four in the morning to be there at most six, before noon had to return to prepare lunch, and even if I had someone to help me, he would not eat, waiting for me. And things were getting complicated, each day was worse for us. He could not eat, drink water, sleep, felt a lot of pain twenty-four hours in a day, I called me ... benhê ... that word sounded in my ears for quite some time later.
Twenty-three days without being able to sleep, very anxious, with the movements of the arms and legs compromised, I feared let it happen and only one incident worsened our situation.
Pain increases as I describe what I experienced. A feature film with detailed scenes is what I see now, it hurts, I end up jumping details to get worse and not give up ... I need to continue.
So, no sleep, no food I was dying with him, but I did not lose the faith, thought was worthy of a miracle, after all for almost eight years to give up a woman for love, it was my life. As a story that, could end like this?

The Invisible World of Women - Page 2

I was born in a Catholic family, was baptized, did catechism, attended the youth group, JUC - United Youth for Christ, always sought in faith solve my problems, but she was not so great, not to mention that I was always very inquisitive, and never accepted or understood the love of God, that to me has always been a big problem.
It powerful, far, willing to punish, at that time thought that he felt pleasure in it, because I could not explain the pain and suffering of so many, how much perfection in one, how many stars, and in others, nothing, that Father was that? This will change with time ... Today I tell our Father never wrong.
I had two relationships, lasted eight years each, I was never flirt, like parties, dancing, drinking, like any young, but have never been kissing for kissing, always had this way by placing love above all ... And Therefore, I've isolated for four years, locked myself in my room, I stopped leaving only worked, fulfilling my obligations at home and returned to isolate me ... that was my life. The internet at this time I've had "helped." There was no Facebook, G +, but there were chat rooms providers in sites, mine was the ZAZ, then changed the name to Earth. I met wonderful people, loved to participate in an English classroom, our teacher was Biloo, a Canadian and a wonderful human being, could order the chicken (laughs) woe to those who speak without raising his hand.
In 2004 I met my husband, I was a little confused as to the year, I lost all my files when out of the city to live with him ... Especially our conversations. One day I asked him how he found me, and he smiled and said I do not remember, I thought I would have been on a social networking site, it all happened so fast, I felt it a hurry to be happy or a need to kill a pain, do not know explain.
One day he sent me an email asking for my phone that day we spoke and at the end of next week he was standing in the doorway of my house, spent the day talking, smiling, sitting in a restaurant, under trees and taking soft drinks. It was a special day, I came home feeling lighter.
At night, like a gentleman he picked me up, opened the car door so gently and carefully, we went out for dinner, we were like two kids, and once again without missing it, we spent a few hours together. And so it was my weekend, wonderful!
As we lived in different cities, at first I went every weekend to be with me and gradually got to know my family. With dating official also started to come to meet him, and it lasted about a year, until I found myself, my house was being visited by us.
While writing this text, I found an e-mail printed in the middle of my stuff, just to confirm, met in 2004 and with little time I get almost a marriage proposal (the e-mail I found said):
Excuse me if I am sometimes insistent with you and write between the lines ... I will try to improve ... You already know me better and know what you think ... If sometimes talk too much in the future, because my heart is overflowing happiness and longs to be with you. Never take it as pressure, but as the expression of someone who loves you too.
As I said, I do not think we met while. I think I know enough of you to know how wonderful it is, how much love has to give ... and I to return. Only time will bring some answers, but we should not fear it, I think we should enjoy every minute of happiness is our obligation, and turn every minute of uncertainty, waiting, anguish in wonderful moments of love, complicity, happiness full (there is me again) ... ehehehe.
A big kiss that your Edu.
And so we live, inseparable, we did everything together, we would wake up, we would work side by side.
During almost 10 years of living together, it seemed like we had just met. We lived smiling, it was all I needed to make sense of my life, even leaving my friend jealous depression, to the point of disappearing without even leaving a message.

In early 2013, it was not very good, dizzy sense, a strange feeling and at his insistence went to the doctor, diagnosed and medicated, we returned home, it was just stress, looking back now I seem to have been more a warning and I could not see, something getting ready for what was coming.

The Invisible World of Women - Page 1

As I promised, here begins the first page of the book of my life: THE INVISIBLE WORLD OF A WOMAN.
I hope to make myself understood, maybe when this is all over, I do not have more reason to have a virtual life and even the blog and it's time to step aside ... honestly do not know ... I'm still writing. ..
Will I have to go back in time to understand my story, especially with regard to my faith, to be who I am and the discoveries that come out every time that sales of the my eyes are drawn ...
I am not a writer and I never claim to be, which led me to hold this pen is something much stronger than me, will not hold me to detail and actually not even know where to start ... Just I need to do. Our paths lead us to live situations and the same will find strength in doing ... Anyway here begins.
I'm an accountant, I always had more intimacy with numbers, words have never been my strong point ... I even imagine that Accounting was an exact science, scared when I found out it was not, but human, was in fact a scare, but not enough to make me give up. (laughs)
I studied in public schools, in my option, declined to give further expense to my father, who was already paying school for four. In the first basic year would have to choose the scientific course that would prepare for an entrance exam, or a technical course, and once again opted for the technical course, because that's what the public school offered, going to school at night, guess what? Yes, Accounting. I also had a sister who was already at the university and she did Accountancy, I admired, and I believe this has also influenced my choice I always liked to study, never did recover, although some materials gave me a lot of work, I did not see the numbers on them. Finishing the third year of high school, I needed to have at least notion of some subjects, I started to make a pre-university preparatory course, extensive, six months was wondering how it was, to know the tastes as feared and signed up to provide the college entrance exam, and oddly enough, there were still six months to be ready, but I went, and it was not luck or ability as many thought ... Why am I telling you this? Because today I understand that what I was talking made perfect sense. When people came to congratulate me, I answered, it was not me, it was my father, this time referring to the Our Father, for I knew it was not my merit, was handpicked and pushed into the UEFS - University Estadual de Feira de Santana, a well-attended event, a public university and I there as part of this new world, I had to have at least the humility to recognize that in fact it was not my merit.
In the first half went well, as I said never made a recovery, but my shyness made me delay the course, when I met in the second half my professor of Commercial Accounting I - the way he led the class did not like me much, I would have to do a job, but regardless of our performance, our score would be based on the presentation of the same, the team would have to say, I did not see another way out, abandoned or passed in my head lock the discipline, only abandoned, I was very upset with the requirements, (laughs) for my shyness that was an affront, it was too much.
Penultimate half, suffered an assault on the bus, returning home around 23 hours, last bus, the funny thing is that sometimes we had classes that exceeded this time, called the night of suffocation, like coming home? But God in His mercy always found a way, we ended up arranging a ride. This time had an inseparable friend and we used to go through this together. Not to give up the course, after all lacked only one more semester to end, we decided to ask her boyfriend to get in and we helped with the fuel, the campus was far.
In 1992 completing the course, my father passed away, on 03/03/1992, cancer.
I did not want and did not even have to participate in the celebrations, but there was no escape from the delivery of the diploma, I was forced to participate and would be nothing new to say it was one of the saddest days of my life. All my struggle, my dreams, the reason that led me to get where I no longer find more ... Okay Rose, I still have your mother and she deserves this joy, you know, I think it must have been I spent in my head to wait until the end and not run away from there ...
My adolescence was like that of many, differentiated only because I had another inseparable friend, not that I wanted, but she insisted on walking beside me, the famous depression ... He did not like her and was determined not to let her grow old with me. A difficult friendship be stopped, but unable to walk at your side for a long time without major problems.
I always thought that I am not of this world, and the longing and desire to return home was so great, but I knew that the passage would cost me dearly and I was not prepared to pay, like today, I'm not.


Tentei fazer tudo da maneira que ele havia me pedido, tentei não, eu fiz, sem tirar uma vírgula, lembro que fiquei preocupada, pois não queria magoar a família, aqui me refiro aos irmãos que moram em São Paulo. Ele foi cremado e as cinzas eu levei para ficar junto ao meu pai, mais um desejo que comentou comigo, quando fomos ao cemitério no dia de finados em Feira de Santana, quero ser enterrado aqui, foi aqui que fui feliz, hoje me sinto mais baiano que paulista.
Demorei um pouco para tomar essa decisão, a caixinha branca ficou guardada aqui comigo por um bom tempo, assim como a sua escova, suas roupas, isso me dava à falsa sensação que ele ainda fazia parte da minha vida, apenas fez uma viagem e eu aguardava seu retorno.
Minha cunhada ficou mais algum tempo comigo, queria resolver as coisas que eu não tinha como fazer e nem vontade. Hoje penso que não sei o que faria sem ela.
Mas todos tinham que retomar suas vidas e me vi só.
Na verdade, eu e os meninos, Frederico e Ben-hur. Fico pensando em quanto relutei contra essa ideia, de ter eles dois, hoje penso, como seria minha vida sem eles, não sei porque a gente não consegue enxergar como Deus é perfeito, como Ele prepara tudo.
Quando eu morava em Feira de Santana,  eu tinha uma Pinscher, o nome dela era Hanna, muito apegada comigo, e nestas minhas idas e vindas, eu aqui em Salvador minha mãe liga para o Edu, pedindo que me preparasse, e desse um jeito de me fazer ficar sabendo que a Hanna havia morrido, vi ele agoniado, cheio de dedos para falar comigo e logo desconfiei, chorei muito, e ele também demonstrava uma grande tristeza, louco por animais. Morávamos em um Flat e havia comprado um Hamster, o Alfredo, hoje é o nome do meu carro... (risos).
Alugamos um apartamento no mesmo bairro, como era um pouco maior e o Alfredo já não estava mais entre nós ( fizemos o enterro dele com solenidade ) , um dia quando foi me buscar na rodoviária, me levou antes a um lugar e queria me fazer uma surpresa, foi quando me apresentou o Frederico, Yorkshire com três meses de idade, eu não concordei, pois ainda lembrava da Hanna e não queria mais motivos na vida para me deixar triste, não sei o que houve, mas não consegui vir pra casa sem ele.
Um dia em que levamos o Frederico para tomar banho, era o criador que cuidava dele pra nós, no meio de uns trinta cães, ele bateu o olho em um e se apaixonou, mas já estava vendido, apenas aguardava o seu novo dono ir buscar. 
Mas o Edu não aceitou um não como resposta. Ele ligava todos os dias para saber do Ben-hur, insistindo para compra-lo, uns vinte dias depois, o criador descobriu que a nova casa do nosso futuro filho seria uma chácara, desistindo da venda nos ligou e cedeu... ele pulava de alegria, eu ainda relutando, mas ele argumentava dizendo... benhê, quem tem um não tem nenhum... depois do Ben-hur eu foi quem disse pra ele, é mas você não me avisou quem tem dois... tem mil... o nosso caçula não valia quanto pesava...
E foi o Benh-hur quem enxugou e enxuga as minhas lágrimas até hoje. 
Tento esconder, me tranco no quarto, ponho o travesseiro no rosto e nem assim adianta, ele começa a me chamar do quarto dele, enquanto eu não o pego no colo para lamber o meu rosto, ele não para. 
Uma médica veterinária essa semana me disse que ficou impressionada com a ligação que ele tem comigo, e tudo o que sinto ele sente também e isso o está adoecendo... Prometi pra mim mesma mudar.

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